By Rabbi Jessica Lowenthal
This weeks parsha, Mishpatim, is all about laws. This may sound a bit boring, but it is actually one of the most controversial and difficult passages to read. Part of inheriting a 5,000 year old tradition is that it is a stark reminder of how different the world used to be. The idea of slavery was completely normal. The ownership of other human beings was just part of the makeup of society.
Within that context, Judaism is actually quite progressive. Our parsha this morning tells us that a Hebrew slave must be set free on the seventh year of his work. The idea behind this is similar to the reason we are obligated to rest the land every seven years- God is the true owner of humans, just as God is the true owner of the earth. It is dangerous for humans to believe that we are the most powerful thing in this world. We see in our world today how that mentality plays out.
However, even within this progressive stance, there are so many passages that are problematic. A father can sell his daughter into slavery, or as a concubine, and different laws apply. She does not go free after seven years- she is in that relationship for her whole life. But then the Torah puts in a protection for her- she is not able to be sold to someone else. If the man takes another wife, the first wife cannot be diminished in any way. She must have all of the things she was given before the second marriage. In our world, this sounds terrible, but in that world, these laws were trying to take care of those with less privilege.
Because in the world of Torah, humans do actually own other humans. And men own women, in particular. A father owns his daughter until she is married or sold, when her ownership is transferred to her new husband or master. There is about a six month period where a woman can own herself. Otherwise, she gains independence when her husband dies or she is divorced, but she is incredibly vulnerable in those situations, especially if she doesn’t have male sons to take her in. In this world, women have to rely on men and have to seed control of themselves to others.
While the text we are reading reflects a world thousands of years old, that reality didn’t change until very recently. For most of human history, women have been vulnerable and subject to male supremacy. It is only in the last century that the idea of gender equality has become a generally accepted idea in this country.
Because of this, we are still battling against behaviors that assume that women are subservient to men. A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to work with Melrose high school students during a program on dating violence. Sponsored by the Melrose alliance against violence, MAAV, and the One Love foundation, this two hour program brought the entire senior class together to watch a film and then breakout to discuss what they had seen. The film, entitled Escalation, shows a romantic relationship between two college students, one man and one woman, that begins like so many relationships do. They meet when she drops her books and he helps pick them up. They start dating, their friends say they are so cute together. And then we start to see his controlling behavior seeping out. He meets her outside of her class even when he doesn’t need to be on campus, he is upset when he finds out her study group includes other guys, he steals her phone to check her messages, he takes over her email account. She finds herself in an abusive relationship before she can understand what is going on. When she finally is able to break up with him and draw a boundary, he does not take no for an answer.
Afterwards, we split into groups with one peer leader and one adult as the facilitators. Students talked about what they had seen and how it is so easy to ignore or underplay some of the signs shown in the relationship. We spoke a lot about the role that friends can play if they are concerned. Some students could see the early behaviors as controlling, but many didn’t realize what they were seeing until the end of the movie.
We have centuries of experience to undo, so many behaviors and assumptions to unlearn. That is why it is so important to raise these issues with our children, talk about healthy relationships, and most importantly, to model healthy relationships.
Feb. 11 was teen dating violence awareness day, sponsored by a number of organizations including Jewish Family and Children’s Services. But we need to be aware every day. Domestic violence happens all the time, all around us. Every MAAV board meeting begins with a police officer’s rundown of all of the domestic dispute issues in melrose for the month. How many restraining orders were filed, how many arrests, how many times were the police called to a home. Was there a fatality in the boston area?
The mentality of ownership and control is the basis for abuse. We need to be teaching our children all the time. The core of Torah says that each person was created in the image of God, and that no person is greater than another. This is the message we must take, especially when the reality that Torah reflects seems to go against those values.
We pray that the next generation will be a little bit closer to seeing each other as B’tzelem Elohim, a reflection of Divinity, not something to be dominated.
And we say- Amen